Today should’ve been the day of my college graduation. I should’ve been filled with excitement as they called my name and I became a first-generation college student. Instead, I’m writing about the bittersweet end of my college career.
I will be honest: the end of college was already going to be bittersweet. Before the pandemic began I knew that saying goodbye to college was going to be a difficult task. I spent five years as a college student and saying goodbye to this chapter in my life was never going to be easy.
I have grown so much in these past five years. I learned so much, accomplished so many amazing things, and officially earned my B.A. in Communication Studies and a Minor in Public Relations. Even though this is a sad ending to my college experience I am still overfilled with excitement! I find myself looking back as well. Feeling nostalgic and shaking my head at the fears I had when I first started. I was so scared that I was going to fail. Yet I didn’t, in-fact I thrived!
I remember how scared I was that first semester. I remember the fears of thinking I didn’t belong on a college campus. “You’re not smart enough for college,” “you’re wasting your time,” and so many other fears echoed inside my brain. Imposter syndrome was definitely the strongest the first semester. I had to constantly tell myself that “I could do it” and that “I did belong.” I had to switch that negativity around. Had I continued with that negative mindset I would not be where I am today.
It took me three years to finish community college and I remember the joy I felt when I did that! I graduated with a 4.0 and I was so proud of myself! Yet I was still scared that I wouldn’t be smart enough to earn a B.A.
All of that fear started to creep back in once I transferred to CSULB. I once again had the fear that I didn’t belong. But luckily I kept up the positivity. I told that negative voice that it was wrong: “I did belong!” and I did!
I accomplished so much in my two years at CSULB: I earned my B.A., a minor, a mediation certificate, became a tutor, joined student clubs, and completed a social media internship. If I could go back and tell myself five-years ago all that I accomplished I would be shocked and probably wouldn’t believe it. But I did it! I did all of these things!
Now I must say goodbye. I am closing a chapter of my life that was an amazing one! A chapter where I grew and learned so much. A chapter of my life that I know I will go back and visit occasionally. This is a bittersweet ending. But it was always going to be. It was always going to be hard to end this chapter.
I will return in the fall or whenever the graduation ceremony is held because I still long for that feeling. I still graduated but I know that it won’t fully sink in until I hear my name called. I have faced many challenges to get to where I am today and I want to fully enjoy a graduation ceremony.
But for now, I will go on with my life. I will take that next step into the unknown. I am scared of what comes next. But I remind myself of how much I already have accomplished and that whatever comes next I will accomplish that as well.
This may be a bittersweet end to my college journey and for this chapter in my life. It may be difficult to end my college journey. But really, it’s just the beginning.
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